Facing Our Pain


068I’ll come straight to the point.

I’ve come to recognize other women like myself who have tried to protect themselves by denying the truth of trauma, abuse or sexual addiction in their lives or their spouses’ lives. But the protection we think we create actually prolongs our pain and hurts those we love as well. Yes, it is painful to deal with our experiences, both present and past, but the cost down the road is much greater if we don’t.

I wish I could shout it.

Look at the fruit of our denial in our children.  I understand the despair, but we can’t be afraid to look at the truth. When we struggle, lost in a hurting, hopeless world, our children also take on our pain. Even if we aren’t aware or think we will keep them from it.

I know. I’ve been there.

I put my kids through hell because I allowed myself to be blind to the abuse in which we were living. I am to blame for my choices that put us there and kept us trapped. Even years later, my heart aches for them. I failed miserably to give them a solid foundation of what healthy relationships look like. They went into their adulthood with tremendous pain and anger behind them and little training of how to navigate a future marriage.

I’ve watched them live my broken life in many ways.

I never intended for my kids to take that kind of past into their future. The pain inflicted upon them was far greater than I imagined. I didn’t realize how badly they were hurt because of the trauma of their parents’ lives.

But I was more afraid of facing my past pain…

…more afraid of being divorced than of an abusive marriage…

…more afraid of what people thought than what my children needed…

…more afraid of my shame than if my family functioned well…

We can’t even count the price for those choices, and the longer it goes on, the higher the cost, as if interest is added.

But there’s good news.

Surrender and repentance changes everything.

God waits for us to surrender to him so he can uncover our festering wounds, bind them with his loving touch, and lead us into a place of healing and wholeness.

We must be willing to open our eyes to the truth, repent of bad choices and turn around into a new way of thinking and living.

God promises us that when we come to him in broken repentance and surrender, he doesn’t condemn or shame us. His love for us, exhibited through Jesus’s death on the cross and resurrection, covers us, soothes our soul and protects us with true safety.

However, doing so requires a difficult choice for us.

We must let go of our pride, fear and self-reliance. We must step out in faith with even a tiny step, believing that God will meet us as he promises. We must allow ourselves to experience the pain of our past and present, grieve the losses and move into our future.

But the exchange for us and our families is worth it.

I think of it like this:

When one of my children was very young, they couldn’t grasp the concept of exchanging their pennies for a coin of equal value. Five pennies seemed much better to them than a nickel, two nickels trumped a dime and no way would they give up any combination of coins for a quarter!

Our perception of what we are giving up is skewed by our limited understanding.

And God gives us even more than an equal share! He offers us a massive sundae dripping with fudge and topped with whipped cream, nuts and a cherry if we will hand over our McDonald’s soft serve cone.

There’s really no comparison, is there?

Be brave. Take action. Step into your future and shed your past.

Make a way for generations after you to be healthier, happier and living a hot fudge sundae life.

Stop the Abuse


I’ve never re-posted a blog post before.

But this post encouraged me and reminded me of the past I left behind. It also gave me something to think about in terms of my current relationships and whether I am living in a healthy way. I felt it valuable enough to pass on.

Thank you to Diana for allowing me to re-post. If you’d rather read the post on Diana’s blog (where you can see her great graphics) click here.

3 Ways to Stop Worshiping the Abuser

November 5, 2013 By

I remember a story my mom always used to tell me.  She said,” Diana, how do you boil a frog?” I said, ” I don’t know.” She said, “A little at a time.”

You see when we put the frog in the water it was cold water. It wasn’t hot, no reason to jump out.  That’s what an abusive relationship starts out as – a cold pot of water. Then, after a time, the abuser lights the stove.  His behavior starts to change.  This may be accentuated with alcohol or drugs. Then the water starts to boil, as his actions become more and more controlling.  First he doesn’t want you to see your friends. Then he cuts you off from the family for some reason or another.  Then he won’t let you work.  Then he takes away the car, and the money.  And the water is so hot by then you can’t even imagine getting out.  So you don’t even try.

By this time, you are afraid when the sun goes down. You are constantly on edge trying to please “His Highness”. Anything to avoid a fight.  Especially when you have small children.  He says he wants the house clean and dinner ready by the time he gets home.  So you do exactly as you are told.  You tell yourself to “be the good wife” and not rock the boat.  You pick up after the kids all day, have the house clean, and a great dinner – but then he doesn’t come home. Until after 2am.  You pace around all night, scream at the kids because you are so angry, and finally get them to sleep.  You try calling his phone – but he turns it off.  So you wait.  Your whole world revolves around what he does and how you can please him.  He has become your God.  You would do anything for him.  As he walks all over you and squashes you like a bug.

Welcome to Abusive Relationship Training 101  This is not normal.  This is not healthy.  This is not a pattern you want to teach your children.  Real love doesn’t look like this.

Here are some ideas on how to start to change YOUR MIND.  What HE does is not the focus of this article.

We cannot control what the Abuser does,

but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT!

worship (verb)

  1.  to honor or respect (someone or something) as a god
  2. to show respect and love for God or for a god especially by praying, having religious services, etc.
  3. to love or honor (someone or something) very much or too much

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/worship

3 Ways to Stop Worshiping the Abuser:

1.  Admit that you have put him on a pedestal

Yes, we did. We think we are trying to keep the peace, but in all reality there is no peace.  A relationship like this thrives on chaos and confusion.  The fights become more frequent and more intense as the relationship goes on.  The first step in changing this picture is to stop worshiping the ground he walks on.  He is not God.

This may be difficult as many victims have an idealized picture of what the relationship looks like.  Victims tend to idolize the “honeymoon phase” and ignore the “big blow out” phase.  We lie to ourselves.  If we told ourselves the truth, then we would have to DO something. This was one of the hardest things for me.  I knew how to live as the victim.  If I stayed the victim, then in my mind,  I always had someone to blame.

Taking back my thoughts was step one of my healing.  I didn’t have to worship him.  It was not my job to change him.  He was not who I thought he was, and that was the truth.  And I was not myself either.

2. Admit that even though he thinks he is GOD, he is not.

Another step to healing was to admit to myself that my thoughts could be different from his.  And I didn’t have to prove them to anyone.  I have my own thoughts and feelings. God gave them to ME when He made me.  The Abuser was great at telling me how I should feel, what I should look like, what I should do.  I gave my power away.  I gave my thoughts and dreams away to him.

No more.  I gave myself permission to think differently. Just because he said something, didn’t mean it was true.  I  gave myself permission to seek out my own truth, and ‘own’ my own feelings.  And I didn’t even have to tell him.  Talk about freedom!

One of the things I learned to say after years of therapy/spiritual counsel was, “I am sorry YOU feel that way.”  That helped me divide my feelings from that of my abuser.  It was liberating, it was awesome, and he hated it.  Be prepared at this point for the fights to increase.  Any sign of ‘unsubmission’ may irritate the abuser more.  Be prepared to walk away.  Have an action plan, and a safe house to go to at this stage.

3. Develop your own Spiritual Plan of Action and Worship

The last step that I did to de-throne the “king” was to develop healthy relationships with other people.  I chose to go to therapy and seek Spiritual Counsel.  I asked the abuser to go with me.  He did for a time, until he got thrown out of the office!  Yep, more than one counselor, and more than one time.  Then we started to go to church.  We would go together until we met with the Pastor.  I have had 3 different Pastors from 3 different churches tell me that I needed to leave.  That the abuser was not interested in change.  I left the abuser 7 different times in 8 years.  The last time was Oct 2004, and I haven’t gone back.  My kids and I got out, and with the help of the local YWCA Shelter, we started our new life.  I am not a frog, and neither are my children!

Now I am not a counselor, although I have been a patient.  I am not a Pastor, although I have been a follower for many years now. Having other people in my life that taught me about who GOD really was opened my eyes to who I had been worshiping all these years – the abuser!