Tag: children

The Effects of Pornography on Our Children

February 17, 2020

My latest novel, A Deadly Silence, soon to release, tackles the subject of pornography, sexual addiction and its potential for leading to domestic violence.

This deadly force lurks in darkness and silence. Only by speaking about it, can we find hope, healing and redemption. Families are being destroyed, and while we might focus on the spouse of the addict or the person struggling with the addiction, our children reap dire consequences as well.

This letter reveals how much our children suffer.  First seen and re-posted from Faithit.

I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this affects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.

I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.

As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “them”. I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.

When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.

I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.

Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.

*This has been posted anonymously due to the nature of the topic.*

Look for A Deadly Silence coming soon!

When Sara Maree Matley uncovers a box of questionable material while unpacking after their family moves, she’s forced to examine the ideal life she’s fought so hard to portray as perfect. Surely her successful, popular husband, Brad, can’t be the owner of the contents. But when Brad’s behavior continues to digress, and Sara deals with her own past, life unravels, and Sara must make one of the hardest choices she’s ever faced.

 

How to Rebuild Your Life

March 5, 2017

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Corinth, Greece

Today I’m sharing an adaptation of a popular post I wrote a few years ago. It seems to have been helpful then, and I think it is relevant in new ways at this time in our nation and our individual lives.

There’s a book in the Bible about a man named Nehemiah. 

He was brokenhearted over the fact that the city of Jerusalem was in ruins, and after praying to God about it, he embarked on a mission to rebuild the walls.

I love this story for a number of reasons. 

First of all, I’m moved that someone saw devastation and cared enough to find out how he could help. I feel this way when I hear stories of people whose lives have been ruined. Maybe it was destroyed by a natural disaster, or because of another person’s selfish action, or even by their own poor choices, but whatever the reason, the ruins of someone’s life solicit a compassionate longing to help them rebuild.

I believe that’s how God feels about us.

Secondly, I love that Nehemiah took action. After he grieved for a city that lay in ruins, he asked God to help him and then set out to obtain permission, supplies and a group of people to rebuild the city even though he “was very much afraid.” The king granted him all the time and supplies he needed. Words can communicate compassion, but action shows love.

God gives us time and what we need to rebuild. He’s patient.

Next, it encourages me that Nehemiah didn’t give up, even when his group came up against so much opposition. A local official ridiculed and tormented the people, asking them what they thought they were doing. Lies were flung at them to convince them that their efforts were in vain, that their attempts were feeble and inadequate. Too much was ruined. The rubble couldn’t be reclaimed for a purpose.

I’ve heard those same lies so many times.

At one point in my life, I was exhausted from working to hold together my marriage and my family. My strength was giving out because of unresolved daily conflicts, and my determination to stay married in spite of a horribly dysfunctional situation. My children were showing the effects of living under the strain in our home. I was certain that the “rubble” was too much to wade through. Nothing seemed salvageable.

So God showed me this story about Nehemiah.

Finally, I love the story because God has a plan for rebuilding. As I studied Nehemiah’s situation, I saw some applications for my life. For me the plan looked like this:

  1. Fight for my family even if it meant doing things that seemed to tear us apart. I had to separate from my ex-husband in order to allow us to deal with issues. Pulling out of most of our activities became necessary so we could focus on our family.
  2. Concentrate on what God wanted to change in me. Allow God to heal me and leave my husband and marriage in His hands. Success for me would depend on what God did in my life.
  3. Set up a guard against the things that crept in to hurt my relationships with God and my children. For me those things were fatigue, busyness, not making time for them, and trying to figure everything out without seeking God.
  4. Put God ahead of my marriage. I had been setting my desire for the “perfect marriage” ahead of God. I compromised truth in order to keep peace. My fear caused me to push aside things God tried to tell me even when they would have helped me. I stayed in a place God had tried to release me from and didn’t ask me to stay in.
  5. Be aware of Satan’s plot to destroy us and our family. I had to choose to fight for the well-being of myself and my children even when the enemy told me to give up because it wouldn’t be worth it. Recognizing the lies of the enemy is imperative, but not always easy. We have to be so alert. Nehemiah had the people keep a weapon in one hand while they built with the other.

Rebuilding our lives can be scary.

We can’t see all that lies ahead. It’s like driving on the darkest road or in dense fog at night. Our headlights only shine far enough for us to keep moving. We drive as far as we can see, and as we drive, the path is illuminated ahead of us.

Rebuilding happens one day at a time.

We can’t look too far ahead or worry about what will come. Instead we have to trust God to provide what we need for that day. When I look ahead and start to worry about the future, God asks

Do you have what you need today? Can you believe I’ve got a good plan?

The answer is always “yes.” I always have what I need today. When the next day comes, I have what I need again. Nothing surprises God. He’s already seen all of our life and has a great plan for it. We can trust him to bring restoration to every area of our lives.

His plan rarely turns out to be what we think we need or want.

It’s actually far better. The marriage I once tried so desperately to hold together fell apart. My ex-husband went his own way, but about eight years later God brought me an incredible man – my true love and soul mate . We will celebrate our eighth anniversary in a couple of months. (Read our story.)

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My one and only love – Brendan

God continues to rebuild our lives and the lives of our seven children and nine grandchildren. We are committed to an amazing church family where we are growing and able to serve others in our community.  While we still have struggles, God is bringing such healing and joy to our daily lives. We praise him for the way he has redeemed our past and rebuilt on the ruins.

How is God rebuilding your life?

20 Tips for Parents

April 6, 2013

As the parent of 7 wonderful children (4 of my own and 3 delightfully inherited), I’ve made some observations over my past 32 years of summer vacation '12 068parenting.

Thus far, I’ve concluded four things:

  • Raising children well doesn’t mean we have to be perfect or have it all figured out ahead of time.
  • Parenting is as much for our benefit as for our children’s.
  • God’s the perfect parent so we should examine how he does it.
  • Each person has free choice. No matter how well we train a child, he or she will choose how to live. Remember that perfect parent God? Even Adam and Eve made a devastating choice.

Dr. James Dobson wrote a book called Parenting Isn’t for Cowards, but most of us find ourselves cowering in our hearts at one point or another along the way.

Here are some tips to boost your bravery:            028

  1. Respect them. They are people too.
  2. Right or wrong, be honest. They smell hypocrisy.
  3. Tell them you love them every day.
  4. Ask for forgiveness when you blow it.
  5. Allow God’s grace to cover your mistakes and failures.
  6. Don’t exasperate them with inconsistency, lack of boundaries or unrealistic expectations.
  7. Ask the right questions. Ones that open discussion not shut it off.
  8. Tell them you are proud of who they are not only what they do.
  9. The Bible is the standard, you are simply the messenger. Let God direct them. Be accountable to God for the message you give.
  10. Show them Jesus by your actions and your love for them and others.
  11. Listen, listen, listen to THEM, and they will listen to you. (HEAR what they are saying.)
  12. Don’t declare war on them—you are on the same side so fight their battles with them.
  13. Put yourself in their shoes. We are parents because we’ve been there. If we forget what it was like, how can we relate to them in order to help them navigate through it?
  14. Take your role as parent seriously. You are accountable to God. He entrusted you with the children you have.
  15. Train them to make good decisions and be trustworthy and responsible for their actions. Self-governed not rule governed. They need to learn good choices for life not just to keep from being “in trouble.”
  16. Teach them to obey because it will bring them good not because you hover over or threaten punishment. Focus on the positive rather than simply avoiding trouble.
  17. Be self-disciplined. We can’t expect our kids to follow through when we don’t.
  18. Allow them to be who God has made them to be. Help them see who they are, not who you want them to be.
  19. Don’t take their behavior or words personally. Avoid reacting. Even though they may be a reflection of you, don’t make that your goal.
  20. Love them enough to say no. Be willing to say yes.  Even when it’s inconvenient.

Hopefully these tips I’ve collected will encourage you in your parenting journey. DSC_0011

How about you? What things have you learned along the way? Or what would you share from a young person’s perspective?

Stuck in Abusive Relationship?

March 16, 2013

Isn’t it my job to fix this?

Point Lobos, CA
Point Lobos, CA

One of the things that can keep us stuck in abusive or broken (not functioning well) situations is our feeling responsible for other people’s actions. This has been a huge area of struggle for me, and something I’m still working to understand so I can act differently.

Sometimes I feel compelled to take on the responsibility of others. I find myself unable to say no and driven  to jump into situations I have no place dealing with.  The urgency began as a little girl feeling sorry for and responsible for parents who seemed for various reasons to need me to be.

Children depend on parents to make their world a safe, secure, loving place. If that is not happening, it is the nature of a child to question themselves rather than the adults in their lives. A common response is “What did I do to make Mom so angry?” or “If I was a better kid, Dad wouldn’t have hurt me or left us.” Or an alcoholic parent leaves their child to care for themselves and the intoxicated parent. In these cases, children take on a burden that wasn’t intended for them.

I felt guilty over anything uncomfortable that occurred in their life. Now, all I know is a sense of dread comes over me when I’m faced with the choice of stepping into a situation that really is not mine to handle. Certainly, something awful will happen if I don’t take charge, right?

The truth is, harmful things happen if I do take over.

When I take responsibility for others:

  • It piles more on me than God intends for me to handle. I become exhausted and unable to fully give myself to my own responsibilities.
  • It doesn’t allow for the privilege and blessing meant for them.
  • It burdens me with guilt, shame, and/or resentment over the situation.
  • My unhealthy responsibility for their well-being takes the place of a healthy compassion for others.
  • They don’t experience consequences for their actions that can help them grow.
  • It enables them to continue in negative patterns of living.
  • I am acting in place of God in their lives.

Learning to handle only what we are responsible for helps us and others.

Recently, a friend and I were discussing this situation in our lives. We agreed that the compulsion we experience is not healthy or helpful because of how it forces us into situations that leave us feeling stuck rather than free to exhibit the God-given compassion we want to have instead. We recognize the difference and are praying for God to free us. Identifying those situations is the first step. Then we can be aware of how we slip into old patterns. The next time we’re faced with that feeling of dread, we can ask ourselves:

  • Is this piling more on me than God intends for me to handle? Am I becoming exhausted and unable to fully give myself to my own responsibilities?
  • Is it disallowing a privilege and blessing meant for someone else?
  • Do I feel burdened with guilt, shame, and/or resentment over the situation?
  • Is this my unhealthy responsibility for their well-being or healthy compassion for them?
  • Am I keeping someone from experiencing consequences for their actions that can help them grow?
  • Am I enabling them to continue in negative patterns of living?
  • Am I acting in place of God in their lives?

Next week we’ll explore more about what can happen to others when we take responsibility for them or their actions.

Can you relate to any of these questions? How have you learned to only be responsible for yourself?

The Rest of the Story

June 9, 2012

I feel a sequel coming on.

I came to the point this week where I am out of excerpts from The Miracle of Us: Confessions of Two Online Daters. I can’t give away all the excitement of the ending even if you know that we made it to the altar. Suspense isn’t really the point, but after all, something needs to be left for the book. I’m encouraged by how many want to read the finished product. Pray a publisher feels the same!

The good news is that as I’ve come to the end of writing, I’ve felt that the story isn’t finished. Naturally, our story has really only begun with a mere three years of marriage completed. We were considered newlyweds by many until only a few weeks ago!

But we’ve been learning so much during those three years. Therefore, Beyond the Miracle: What We’ve Learned About Through Marriage will begin it’s writing process soon. At this point, the book’s skeleton is taking shape in my mind.

More to the story.

While away on our anniversary weekend a few weeks back, I came across a card that had this quote by Irving Stone on the front:

The best romance is inside the marriage; the finest love stories come after the wedding, not before.

Wow! We thought the best part was our story leading up to the wedding. The challenges, romance and miracles that occurred before the wedding astounded us, but so much more has happened afterwards. Nitty, gritty tough stuff. Not that the struggle to step out in faith, believing we could each start over in romantic life by dating online through Skype with someone across the world wasn’t tough enough. I mean, it’s not like praying for our seven children to feel good about the whole situation, and braving immigration paper mountains was a Sunday drive. Those eleven months held some of the hardest obstacles and greatest moments either of us has every experienced.

The truth about romance and marriage.

Just as our story of online dating, long distance romance and eventual wedding bells (actually there were no bells ringing at our wedding) has portrayed faith, redemption and overcoming the impossible; our marriage continues with building a new life out of a broken past. Restarting careers in middle age, parenting at three age levels: school age, teenage, and grown children as well as being step-parents and grandparents at the same time encompass their own sets of challenges. And immigration paperwork and appointments don’t end when you enter the country. Add to that the fact that marriage itself is the vehicle that transforms our lives and there’s more of the story to tell.

I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us as we continue the journey. Hopefully, our story will offer hope for yours.

Isn’t it exciting and a little stressful the way life unfolds? What are some of the challenges you’ve faced through life, marriage or family?

And Then There Was Brendan

March 3, 2012

Another excerpt….

Two weeks before my subscription ran out, a guy’s profile captured my attention. The first thing I noticed was his smile. The next was his honesty about his relationship with the Lord and his struggles in that area. And, by the time I finished reading what he had written I had become thoroughly enraptured with his sense of humor, finding it fun, engaging and intriguing as well as a little silly which endeared me to him since for me life requires a bit of silliness. Finally, he had three fairly young children and had been widowed. At this point I’d like to put up on your mental movie screen the caption “TWO YEARS EARLIER” and take you back into the past to another part of the puzzle God was piecing together…

I remember lying on my bed talking to the Lord as is my usual morning routine before rising. As I asked him again what his plans were for my future in regards to love and marriage, I felt an urging in my heart that he had for me, somewhere out there in the world far away, a man whose wife had passed away leaving him with raising his children alone. My heart quickened, tears welling up in my eyes as I considered the plight of this individual whom I did not know. Additionally, I was moved because for years I had attempted, unsuccessfully, to silence the longings in my heart for additional children. My prayers had been for God to remove this selfish, crazy longing. After all, I reasoned, I had already raised four wonderful kids to adulthood and was grandmother to two delightful children. At my age, wasn’t it ludicrous to imagine raising another set of children? And yet, when I sensed this potential promise from the Lord, it reached deep into my heart and pulled up those poorly squelched desires.

“Really, Lord?” I whispered toward the ceiling.

It’s not like God’s voice boomed thunderously through my bedroom, rather I simply sensed a deep certainty within myself. So, I gave it back to him, praying for this man and his children wherever they may be. I didn’t have any idea who they were or even if I had ‘heard’ the Lord correctly. Maybe it was just my own silly, foolish thoughts and dreams teasing me. But I knew that time would tell if it was in fact a reality God had in store for me. So after that, every time I thought about it, I would pray for this hurting family, whoever they were. I prayed for comfort, encouragement, wisdom, and help with parenting. A few times I cried at the thought of what he might be experiencing with the loss of a spouse and trying to hold his family together as a single dad. I prayed for the children as well not even comprehending how they would be coping with losing their mother. I had no idea what God’s plans included, but I kept praying, “Please do your will Lord, and make me able to wait patiently while you do.”

Fast forward to current time again. As I read this man’s personal information, I pondered that previous “promise” from the Lord. I found the answers he had written to the prompted profile questions hilariously funny. For example in response to perfect job description he had listed “International spy, of course, Moneypenny.” I was captivated, and felt greatly disappointed that he had not yet finished his profile questions. Feeling rather foolish and a bit wistful, after perusing his profile uncountable times, I logged out.

Backtracking…

December 30, 2011

I realize it’s romantic and all meeting someone online, falling head over heels in love and whisking away to the other side of the world for weeks in paradise. Our situation has had romance written all over it and whenever we face struggles, it’s been a great reminder that God did not orchestrate this whole elaborate affair without a positive plan in mind.

Still, when I look back at all the things we waded through during our courtship from afar–and here I confess to a picture in my mind of Humphrey Bogart dragging the African Queen through the sludgy, leech-infested, vine-draped water–I’m stunned. It almost feels as if I’m looking back at someone else’s life because I have no idea how we managed to get through it. The obvious answer, at least to us, is that God made it all work in incredible ways by a preconceived plan that we knew nothing about until it actually played out. Thank God we didn’t know ahead of time!

Based on that premise, I find it helpful, encouraging and faith building to replay the events every so often. So this is where I backtrack from the illustrious Christmas proposal and list some of the complications we faced in long distance dating and marriage preparation.

Let’s talk about jobs. Brendan had been a commercial insurance broker for about 25 years when I met him, and he was pretty much over it by then. We both felt like God had something new for him, and we began discussing his interests and dreams: he loves airplanes and flying; he’s always wanted to go back to school to study aeronautical engineering; he has an unending list of ideas for inventions in his head and in scattered notes on paper; his business idea list is almost as long; fitness is important to him…the tricky part was what could he begin building in Australia to then continue in the states? It’s not like with unemployment the way it has been, our country is aching to bring more people here who need work. Not easy.

Then there was my work. The year I met Brendan, my business partner, Carol and I had been writing a business plan to develop transitional housing for destitute women.  My traveling interrupted our work, and we suddenly found that all our tremendous business plans began to falter a bit as we traveled and planned two weddings. We maintained some of our work, but most slowly ground to a halt, and we had to rethink what we would do as we each got married.

Children. As I’ve pointed out, I had four grown children and Brendan had three still at home. We longed to become one big blended family, but that meant each of them embracing the other as a sibling. If you have any children or even know of any, I’m sure you’ve witnessed first hand that incomprehensible situation called sibling rivalry! Not only that, but my youngest was just twenty-one and headed back to school for another degree; we would be uprooting Brendan’s oldest at the beginning of adolescence; and Brendan would be made an instant grandfather! Can I also add that parenting and step-parenting are NOT the same thing?

Housing. He owned a home in Australia, and I was part owner of a condo here. The condo wasn’t really suitable for our family, and I owned it with housemates so it wasn’t like I could kick them out and say “I’m getting married and we need the house.” That meant we needed to find a house–while he was in Australia, and decide what to do with two house payments. Should we sell? Not an option for me. Buy? Rent? Not impossibilities normally except that we were on two different continents!

Relationships. I met his friends and family in Australia and hated that he would have to leave them all. I hated that I had to say goodbye to them! They graciously accepted me, and I expected mine in the states would do the same with Brendan. Nonetheless, a challenge did exist as Brendan entered into my world of friends. That meant that my friends would become his, but his friends would all be across the world. I also had ex-husbands for Brendan to deal with and even though contact was limited, any time we celebrated a wedding or birthday of one of the grown kids, Brendan would be thrown into that situation. And of course, there’s navigating in-laws. Enough said.

Visas and Immigration. Oh, don’t even get me started…we’ll have to talk about that in another post!

Actually, all of this reflection brings a sense of satisfaction. It reminds me that we have overcome some truly horrendous obstacles that have shaped our relationship’s foundation of strength. It also serves as proof that life is a process, and while at times it can be overwhelming and seem hopelessly impossible to navigate, one step at a time will take us somewhere. For us, with God leading, that somewhere has been good.

 

 

The Value of Parenting

December 21, 2011

Parenting is like a job. I mean, it IS a full-time job, but it also parallels the aspects of a job one would hold, like being a CEO of a company. Think about it.

I had a dream the other night in which I found myself with a house full of children–my own and a friend’s, not that I don’t have enough of my own children. My husband and I proudly claim seven children ranging in age between thirty and nine, as well as five grandchildren ages one to nine, so you can understand how kids often invade my sleep both literally and figuratively.

So in the dream, after settling the baby with a diaper change and making sure the older four were playing kindly, the three year old brings me a broken toy and says in an adorable voice, “We have a problem.”

I think to myself, as I have hundreds (or perhaps thousands) of times over the past thirty parenting years, “I’m never going to get anything done today at this rate.” And immediately it strikes me, ( you know like the V-8 commercials!) This IS what you’re getting done!

Managing problems, putting out fires, running “bored” meetings, handling disputes, brainstorming how to organize, providing luncheons, arranging schedules, financing projects, explaining policy, enforcing policy, training future executives; and creating a pleasant, instructional, fun, productive environment in which all that takes place defines parenting on a daily basis. Oh, I forgot to mention performing emergency medical procedures or transportation as well.

Take it a step further and think about this:

Would any of us take on a new job without some form of job training? As we step into any employment, we naturally attempt to learn all we can about how to do the job effectively, efficiently or at least adequately. We may take classes, learn from another employee or attend a job training seminar. And during the course of our employment we probably continue our education at least every year. Even when we go home, we might read books, magazines and binders full of company policy to further our knowledge and ensure we do our job well.

But, when it comes to parenting, a job that has far more significance and complications than any employment we will ever hold, we often neglect this instruction and figure we’ll just have to wing it. Don’t we flounder along wondering if we’re doing it right, or getting it done at all? It’s so helpful when we ask questions of older parents, read books about training kids and have discussions with others about what works for them.

In addition to that, we think, as I have, that we aren’t actually accomplishing anything worthwhile during our day. How grossly in error we are! Every hug, answered question, moment of training and discipline, every shirt washed or meal prepared is a task of greater value than anything we may tackle in a day at the office even if it has no monetary gain because the investment is in a life…or multiple lives.

Along the way, the dividends in smiles, hugs, cute phrases, hilarious questions and “I love you Mommy. I love you Daddy.” are so worth every ounce of energy we invest in learning how to do this job well and giving that to our kids. What did I invest in today? What did you?

 

For parenting resources I’ve found helpful try  www.ctw.coastlands.org/store/Family-Life/