Within days of posting my profile online, all I could think about was whether guys would be interested and if so, when, who and for how long?

I was torn over a guy named, Ed*, liking some things, but not certain about others; and another guy, Ron*, appealed to me with his character and personality, but the chemistry seemed to be missing. At least someone was interested, and I devoured every profile. During this time, I realized two crucial things about myself:

I felt starved for someone, and I didn’t feel worthy of anyone. 

When I began internet dating, I had been single for five years and with the exception of a man who I occasionally hung out with as a friend (even though I hoped it would progress into something more), and a one-time blind date, I didn’t date.

Cumulatively I had endured twenty-one years of wedded despair (with some rare good times) trying to make marriage work and wondering what was wrong with me that drove my ex-husbands to other women. Perhaps they were looking more for sex than love, but in my broken heart (and possibly theirs) those had been synonymous.

I believed that God meant for marriage to be so much more than required sex and a battle of two wills.

I hoped in the idea that someone out there would some day see my heart, my personality, my hopes and desires, and even my occasional opinionated stubbornness  and love it all as a whole package. I imagined that as a result of that intimate connection, lovemaking would follow within the purposeful boundaries of a solid, ever-growing marriage.

However, instead of what I hoped must be true, I had experienced the “if you love me you will…” Hence, sex equaled love, and my search for “love” left me starved.

I actually longed for companionship, partnership, attention and affection; someone who would love me for me and not just for sex. Men of the past had told me I was beautiful, wonderful, attractive and smart, but after twenty-one years and two divorces, I felt like an unattractive, messed up and discarded failure.

Conquered physically, I had been tossed away.

Unfulfilled and lonely, I desperately clung to the Lord with the daily proclamation “You and me, Jesus.” I so badly wanted that to be enough, and I had grown intimately in love with the Lord. I felt him surround me with love and guidance. Nonetheless, I basked in the admiration and seeming adoration of these internet men.

I just wanted to be special to someone.

Day after day I pined for that singular someone, examining each potential prospect. The compulsion to check my computer for messages overtook my life and turmoil ensued. Was I insecure? Looking for a father figure? In love with being in love? Was this an obsession? I wondered. Would I mistake someone’s physical attraction for genuine love and commitment? The patterns that had ruled my life, still threatened to destroy me.

What were my true motives for seeking a mate?

*not their real names