Tag: parents

Why Are You Angry?

August 14, 2017

IMG_4658Anger is a secondary emotion.

That what the workbook I use to lead women through a study on relationships says. The truth of that statement recently catapulted me into a season of discovering the source of my anger.

And that what feels like anger isn’t always…well, anger.

The inexplicable rage that builds like a volcano preparing to erupt feels like anger. Looks like anger when I give full vent to it with slamming, flinging or throwing (which only a fool does according to the Bible – good job, Laura). Sounds like anger to my spouse and children…

But surprisingly, is actually not anger.

Well, it is in part. The past part. The little kid who got hurt instead of protected, ignored instead of forgiven or lashed at without warning. That little kid’s feelings of fear, confusion, being unloved or unimportant turned to anger.

Anger at self – nothing is your parent’s fault when you’re a kid. Or anger at the person hurting you but stuffed away – since nothing can possibly be your parent’s fault when you’re the kid. Anger becomes a defense.

Stop hurting me!

Rebellion, tantrums and angry outbursts are often a sign of fear, anger, confusion or other emotions when a child’s world isn’t right.

During my current season of delving into my emotions and learning what it means to control them well (not stuff, ignore or minimize), I jotted down a list of feelings I experienced in regard to a recent event. (I had the help of a list to look at. You can find the list of “Soul Words” at www.howwelove.com)

Initially, anger surged through me.

I wanted to react in anger. Instead, I took a deep breath. (Remember that count to 10 thing? Not a bad idea.) I managed to keep self-control, speak calmly and cry later, asking God what I was really feeling. Here are the emotions I listed that described how I felt:

betrayed, worried, unloved, shocked, hated, injured, beaten down, tired, unwanted, cut off, crushed, grieved, heavy, bewildered, misunderstood, let down, distrustful, unimportant and disregarded

Notice anything?

Yep. Not ONE word of anger. But truly, each of these words really described my feelings. When I read through the list of words describing anger, none of them resounded with me. Go figure.

Fascinating.

This opened up new insight about myself, my emotions and the way I respond to situations. If I allow anger to be the go-to reaction, I miss out on understanding my true feelings and communicating them to others.

Not helpful.

Not only that, but when I don’t deal with the actual feelings, anger spins around like a tornado in my heart and mind. When I try to squelch it because I don’t want it’s destruction, I end up feeling depressed and aimless. (An indication something deeper is going on.)

In addition, my outbursts of frustration hurt those I love, making them defensive. And how can they respond well to me if I am “always angry” at them? Instead, if I share accurate emotions, I invite understanding and intimacy.

Maybe even compassion.

So, here are some practical steps I’m learning to implement to get a handle on anger:

  1. Every time I feel “anger”, ask myself what I am REALLY feeling.
  2. Share those feelings in a journal, with a trusted friend and/or with God. I do all three in the reverse order: God, journal, friend.
  3. Ask myself when I felt those same or similar feelings as a child – usually where it started, but now is being triggered by a similar interaction or experience.
  4. Grieve over the past situation. Cry, pray, journal. Let myself feel.
  5. Forgive anyone that caused past hurts. Looking at the past isn’t to blame, it is for us to acknowledge so we can grieve, forgive and move forward in life.
  6. If I displayed anger in an inappropriate way to someone, I need to apologize and ask for their forgiveness. (God’s too.)
  7. Share with the person involved my true feelings. If necessary, do this with a third party like a counselor or pastor. Sometimes defenses created by our previous anger may require additional outside help to work through and heal.
  8. Move forward. Let go of the situation.
  9. Repeat as needed. Years of these patterns aren’t changed in one time.
  10. Have grace for myself as I establish new patterns.

The Bible says that we can be transformed by the renewing of our mind. (Romans 12:2) As we analyze the way we’ve thought and the emotions established due to past pain, we can be changed and healed. Not simply by “trying harder” not to get mad, but by examining our true feelings and submitting them to our loving heavenly Father.

Here’s to the journey ahead!

I’d love to partner with you in prayer as you address your anger. Please let me know how I can pray in the comments below.

 

 

 

Delightful Read – Great Gift!

March 8, 2014

blog post motherhood Want a unique gift for the mothers in your life?

This little gem has it all! I laughed, cried and found myself nodding along with this delightful     collection of anecdotes, advice, and famous quotes from and about mothers. Throw in  a dozen easy recipes and a colorful, creative background and you have the makings of a wonderful, re-readable keepsake. “You Might Be a Mommy If…” had me rolling with understanding laughter.

 

I highly recommend this lovely gift book:

  • For new mommy’s to start them on their journey
  • For in the middle mom’s who need a new perspective and a boost to keep going
  • For mothers and grandmothers who have weathered the parental storms and will enjoy the reminiscing

A collaborative work of five experienced authors who have lived out the joys and challenges of motherhood, this book would make a wonderful shower gift, birthday gift or Mother’s Day gift. Or even give it as an encouragement for a family member or friend who’s having a difficult time in the parental realm. I also appreciated the inclusion of adoptive parenting difficulties and victories.

Available here on Amazon.

Stuck in Abusive Relationship?

March 16, 2013

Isn’t it my job to fix this?

Point Lobos, CA
Point Lobos, CA

One of the things that can keep us stuck in abusive or broken (not functioning well) situations is our feeling responsible for other people’s actions. This has been a huge area of struggle for me, and something I’m still working to understand so I can act differently.

Sometimes I feel compelled to take on the responsibility of others. I find myself unable to say no and driven  to jump into situations I have no place dealing with.  The urgency began as a little girl feeling sorry for and responsible for parents who seemed for various reasons to need me to be.

Children depend on parents to make their world a safe, secure, loving place. If that is not happening, it is the nature of a child to question themselves rather than the adults in their lives. A common response is “What did I do to make Mom so angry?” or “If I was a better kid, Dad wouldn’t have hurt me or left us.” Or an alcoholic parent leaves their child to care for themselves and the intoxicated parent. In these cases, children take on a burden that wasn’t intended for them.

I felt guilty over anything uncomfortable that occurred in their life. Now, all I know is a sense of dread comes over me when I’m faced with the choice of stepping into a situation that really is not mine to handle. Certainly, something awful will happen if I don’t take charge, right?

The truth is, harmful things happen if I do take over.

When I take responsibility for others:

  • It piles more on me than God intends for me to handle. I become exhausted and unable to fully give myself to my own responsibilities.
  • It doesn’t allow for the privilege and blessing meant for them.
  • It burdens me with guilt, shame, and/or resentment over the situation.
  • My unhealthy responsibility for their well-being takes the place of a healthy compassion for others.
  • They don’t experience consequences for their actions that can help them grow.
  • It enables them to continue in negative patterns of living.
  • I am acting in place of God in their lives.

Learning to handle only what we are responsible for helps us and others.

Recently, a friend and I were discussing this situation in our lives. We agreed that the compulsion we experience is not healthy or helpful because of how it forces us into situations that leave us feeling stuck rather than free to exhibit the God-given compassion we want to have instead. We recognize the difference and are praying for God to free us. Identifying those situations is the first step. Then we can be aware of how we slip into old patterns. The next time we’re faced with that feeling of dread, we can ask ourselves:

  • Is this piling more on me than God intends for me to handle? Am I becoming exhausted and unable to fully give myself to my own responsibilities?
  • Is it disallowing a privilege and blessing meant for someone else?
  • Do I feel burdened with guilt, shame, and/or resentment over the situation?
  • Is this my unhealthy responsibility for their well-being or healthy compassion for them?
  • Am I keeping someone from experiencing consequences for their actions that can help them grow?
  • Am I enabling them to continue in negative patterns of living?
  • Am I acting in place of God in their lives?

Next week we’ll explore more about what can happen to others when we take responsibility for them or their actions.

Can you relate to any of these questions? How have you learned to only be responsible for yourself?

The Value of Parenting

December 21, 2011

Parenting is like a job. I mean, it IS a full-time job, but it also parallels the aspects of a job one would hold, like being a CEO of a company. Think about it.

I had a dream the other night in which I found myself with a house full of children–my own and a friend’s, not that I don’t have enough of my own children. My husband and I proudly claim seven children ranging in age between thirty and nine, as well as five grandchildren ages one to nine, so you can understand how kids often invade my sleep both literally and figuratively.

So in the dream, after settling the baby with a diaper change and making sure the older four were playing kindly, the three year old brings me a broken toy and says in an adorable voice, “We have a problem.”

I think to myself, as I have hundreds (or perhaps thousands) of times over the past thirty parenting years, “I’m never going to get anything done today at this rate.” And immediately it strikes me, ( you know like the V-8 commercials!) This IS what you’re getting done!

Managing problems, putting out fires, running “bored” meetings, handling disputes, brainstorming how to organize, providing luncheons, arranging schedules, financing projects, explaining policy, enforcing policy, training future executives; and creating a pleasant, instructional, fun, productive environment in which all that takes place defines parenting on a daily basis. Oh, I forgot to mention performing emergency medical procedures or transportation as well.

Take it a step further and think about this:

Would any of us take on a new job without some form of job training? As we step into any employment, we naturally attempt to learn all we can about how to do the job effectively, efficiently or at least adequately. We may take classes, learn from another employee or attend a job training seminar. And during the course of our employment we probably continue our education at least every year. Even when we go home, we might read books, magazines and binders full of company policy to further our knowledge and ensure we do our job well.

But, when it comes to parenting, a job that has far more significance and complications than any employment we will ever hold, we often neglect this instruction and figure we’ll just have to wing it. Don’t we flounder along wondering if we’re doing it right, or getting it done at all? It’s so helpful when we ask questions of older parents, read books about training kids and have discussions with others about what works for them.

In addition to that, we think, as I have, that we aren’t actually accomplishing anything worthwhile during our day. How grossly in error we are! Every hug, answered question, moment of training and discipline, every shirt washed or meal prepared is a task of greater value than anything we may tackle in a day at the office even if it has no monetary gain because the investment is in a life…or multiple lives.

Along the way, the dividends in smiles, hugs, cute phrases, hilarious questions and “I love you Mommy. I love you Daddy.” are so worth every ounce of energy we invest in learning how to do this job well and giving that to our kids. What did I invest in today? What did you?

 

For parenting resources I’ve found helpful try  www.ctw.coastlands.org/store/Family-Life/