We’re exploring the subject of grief in these next few weeks. This is the second post in a four-part series. You can read the introduction in last week’s post titled Mountain of Grief.
It’s taken me decades to understand that loss comes in different sizes, shapes, and varieties. I tend to be a passionate person who is sensitive in my emotions which due to various factors, I grew up believing was a bad thing.
As a result, I often minimized, denied, or pushed aside feelings of disappointment, sorrow, hurt, or anger as not being acceptable. Eventually, I learned that emotions are inevitable. It’s what we do with them that matters. But in no case is it appropriate or helpful to deny, ignore, or brush them aside. Especially when it comes to grief.
The next challenge has been how long do I allow the expression of emotion? A shed tear? Okay for some situations. Sobbing? Two to three minutes tops. But putting unreasonable limitations on emotion (whether happy or sad), can lead to explosive outbursts in other areas or prolonged and escalating irritation and frustration over minor incidences.
All this leads me to the first step in dealing with loss.
We must acknowledge the loss.
Currently, I’m in a transition that is exciting, but I’m having to let go of an area of my life that cost me greatly in effort and money to achieve. More importantly, it’s changing my role within a group of people I hold dear and consider some of my closest friends. While relinquishing has brought a sense of relief and excitement to now focus a hundred percent on my writing career and an educational endeavor, I’m grieving the change.
A few months ago, an event created some challenges in my marriage which felt like a great loss. I’ve also lost a business, two homes, a baby, previous marriages, and loved ones just to name a few. As I considered these situations, I realized that there are many types of losses. Some of which I’ve experienced and many I have not. Here’s a list of things we may or may not have counted as a loss:
- Job
- Friendships
- Relationships with family members
- Neighborhood or church community – those familiar places
- Belongings that break, are lost or stolen
- Time due to illness or injury
- Promises or commitments made to us
- A Promotion
- A wrecked car due to accident or disaster
- Career
- Team of people we’ve worked with
- Childhood because of abuse
- Freedom when we’re controlled by a parent, spouse, boss, or poverty
- Finances
Even seemingly minor situations can feel like a loss. Losing a football game could take a few hours or days to get over. After preparing for Christmas, a major holiday, or a celebration like a wedding or milestone birthday/anniversary don’t we feel a little set adrift during the following day or two? We haven’t lost anything, per se, but a void exists where activity, excitement, and celebration previously ruled.
And then there are the huge losses of life. Grieving loved ones.
While we don’t want to wallow in feelings of loss, disappointment, or sorrow, acknowledging our reasonable emotions can be the first step in handling them. Then we can move on to evaluate the best way to mourn and grieve so that we don’t land there indefinitely.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
I don’t think Jesus would have said this, if he didn’t expect us to experience loss and grief. He’s the one who comforts us.
This song came up on YouTube this morning and it seemed so appropriate for this post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k0cYQTlkQ4
In my novel, Voices of the Past, Aimee Wells pushes aside her losses in order to survive and make a life for her children. But she can’t deny the trauma and loss forever. Especially when people from her past show up and all the memories and grief come rushing back. If you haven’t read Voices of the Past, you can get the e-book FREE on Amazon for the next 5 days.
Laura Bennet - Author 