Laura Bennet – Author

How long is long enough, or too long to grieve?

After dealing with some loss in my life, I’ve been exploring grief in a four-part series. This is part three. You can read the previous posts here.

Experts say it depends on the person and the situation. If trauma is also involved, grieving may require more time and effort to work through the event. Every loss is traumatic to some extent, but a job loss certainly won’t have the same impact as the loss of a spouse, child, or parent.

Some losses can also be “ambiguous.”

When a child is abducted and never seen again, when a loved one suffers from Alzheimer’s, or a close relationship is suddenly and inexplicably cut off, those losses don’t have a definitive end so it’s more difficult to process grief and come to a point of finality. Those losses may find us grieving repeatedly or as an ongoing process.

So the question of how long is as unique as each individual, and it will be impacted by the type of loss involved.

In these past few months of dealing with multiple losses, none of which were due to death, God directed me to the book of Genesis. I was pleasantly surprised to find that in chapter fifty, when Jacob died, he and the Egyptian people spent what I considered to be a great deal of time in mourning.

In verse three, it says that the people took a full forty days to embalm Jacob. Then they mourned for another seventy days, after which they took Jacob’s body back home. I’m not certain how long this trip took, but the research I did showed it would have been around eleven days. When they arrived, they mourned for another seven-day period.

That’s approximately four months dedicated solely to mourning the loss of Joseph’s father.

I would imagine that Joseph also had experienced some ambiguous loss grief over the betrayal of his brothers and the idea that he’d never see his father again. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would have suffered some serious trauma being thrown in a pit, sold into slavery, and left in prison. I can only speculate about how that period of mourning went for Joseph.

But after reading the passage again, I sensed God telling me that it’s okay to grieve and to give it time. Not only is it okay, but necessary. God wants us to allow ourselves time to heal.

In my experience from living in the United States, it seems our society has pushed the grieving period to be shorter than in other cultures or places in the world. Our business mentality that allows a day or two off work for bereavement along with movies that subtly speak a “move on” mentality can give us the impression that grieving should end quickly. Not only that, but we’ve read books or seen movies in which a character feels unreasonably restrained by a lengthy period of mourning. (Wearing black was not considered fashionable.)

But when we take a look at other nations or cultures, we can see that emphasis is placed on a time frame that considers the grieving of individuals an important process. For example, in Judaism, there are five stages of mourning. This is my loose interpretation of them, and why they might be important.

1. Time between death and burial – this length is not specified, but it seems typical to be approximately a week and would encompass a period of shock and perhaps the anger and denial that accompanies it. Death especially, depending on how it occurs, is something God never intended when he created the world. Thus, it always comes as a blow to us and requires initial time to process.
2. The first three days following burial. I appreciate that friends are not always present during this time, or if they are, it is to simply sit with the bereaved person (or people) without talking much. Hand holding, hugs, simple short words of “I love you,” “I’m here for you,” or dropping off a meal with nothing stated is most helpful when the loss is still too fresh.
3. Shiva – is a seven-day period (including those first three) after burial. (Emphasis mine to show that we’ve already spent some time grieving before this period even begins.) A week is barely the beginning of processing all the feelings that accompany loss. Listening seems to be the best way we can help someone in this stage.
4. The first thirty days after the burial (including Shiva) is recognized during which people might be ready to slowly begin returning to work, church, societal groups. That doesn’t mean the grieving is finished, nor should we expect or demand it to be. Even as we begin to engage in daily life again, there will be times of sudden sorrow, crying at unexpected times, and questions we need time to work through. Don’t forget that handling business/household affairs is happening during this time which can be distracting, overwhelming, and time-consuming. That can bring to the surface the ramifications of the loss. We must be kind to ourselves or others who are in this space.
5. Twelve months from the time of death. If statistics say it takes someone approximately six months to transition in a new job, then it seems reasonable that it would take at least twice as long to transition after the loss of a loved one. This can be a good time of remembering all the positive memories and celebrating the person or situation that was lost. Making tough decisions will happen when the timing is right. From a personal perspective, I met my husband online, less than a year after the sudden death of his wife. Our distance made it necessary to plan when we would meet in person, but I intentionally chose to wait to visit him until after the first anniversary of his late wife’s passing. (You can read the entire story here.)

While I don’t necessarily agree with the stipulations of Judaism’s particular mourning tradition, I do think we can learn something from the timeline and process. That’s not to say that when twelve months is up, we should be fine, ready to move on, and will never shed a mourning tear again. As I watched a dear friend experience the loss of her husband, I believe the way she has handled it has been admirable. While taking time to process, mourn, and grieve, over the past couple of years, she’s also embraced new situations and celebrated her husband’s life and love for Jesus. I know she has misses him every day, and she’s willing to say so while talking about him and her memories on many occasions as is fitting in our conversations. I appreciate that we can share honestly about her experience.

I’m again reminded that Jesus said “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” We are blessed as he binds up our brokenheartedness. In our pain, when we seek him, we will find comfort in his presence. If we don’t take time to mourn when our hearts are broken, how can we be comforted? And when we allow Jesus to comfort us, our grieving makes way for us to emerge on the other side of our pain.

In my novel, When the Wind Blows, we see the various ways a set of characters deal with the losses in their lives. Some in a healthy way and others in destructive patterns. In the end, they find comfort in Jesus, and the amazing blessing of being thrown together as a “family” because of a devastating hurricane. You can get When the Wind Blows, Book 1 in the Winds of Redemption series for FREE on Amazon October 29-October 31.